In less than a day my strength was lost, my legs were numb, and I was confined to a chair. The life that I had imagined as a 16 year old girl was disintegrating. Yet in the loss I experienced the surpassing joy of Christ in the midst of my weakest state. Within minutes my independence became dependence, and yet I had never been so satisfied. Because of the 2020 Covid-19 shutdown, most individuals were confined to their homes anyway. Therefore, my experience during this season of life is often surprising to many people who know me well. After three years, it is time for the Lord to use this experience to allow others to hear about His compassion in this difficult season. As you read this story, please know that my heart in writing this is not to receive attention, but rather to humbly direct your attention to my Savior. Through experiencing physical pain as described in this story, the knowledge of God transferred to the comfort of God’s attributes.
Tim Keller describes this when he said,
“One of the main ways we move from abstract knowledge about God to a personal encounter with him as a living reality is through the furnace of affliction”.
It was April 15, of 2020. Like most mornings during this season of life I was awake by 6:00AM, ate my morning oats by 6:15AM, and was on my morning run by 6:40AM. This morning would be different. After running a mile that morning I felt my left foot go numb. Within a minute my entire leg went from cramping to completely numb- to where I could not move it. There was nothing I could do but lay on the couch praying that this pain would flee from my body as my dad tried to apply pressure to a part of my foot where the muscle was enlarged. “Kelby, you have to stay calm and breathe”, my father said. It was true. I needed to understand that this was just a moment. This pain, too, would pass. But how long would it last? Thankfully, my mother gave me some pain medication and I went to sleep.
Within moments of opening my eyes on April 16, 2020, I realized that not only one of my legs, but both of them were numb. Over the next few weeks I was taken to the ER twice, given multiple different diagnoses, and told that I was probably just prone to have extreme muscle cramps that injured my tendons.
My independence was indignant. A doctor told me to remove pressure from my lower legs and keep my feet in a boot on each foot while the board of doctors convened. The girl who was once running, lifting, and competing was now told to be still. Deep within, I was embarrassed. Comparison became my greatest enemy. While many of my friends were getting their license to drive, I was wrestling with how to accept that I would need to use a wheelchair to move. I had never imagined my brothers needing to carry me so that I could get to the restroom only a room away.
Yet here I was- almost completely dependent. However, in these moments I came face to face with my pride. In midst of the pain where I was prone to complain, the Lord reminded me of this truth: This is what I created you for. I created you to be a dependent creature who needs to yearn to rely on her Creator. I felt so weak, and yet He was the only way that I might be strong. Never in my life have I been so open to what the Lord is teaching me until my capacity to accomplish my own works is diminished.
Jerry Bridges describes it incredibly well when he says,
“He has a purpose in every pain He allows in our lives.”
The following three months would consist of the following: a month in two boots on both feet, a month without pressure on both feet, appointments, MRIs, X-Rays, Physical Therapy, and learning to walk again. After three months of Physical Therapy, I was able to walk on my own. This process was physically painful, but in all honesty it was even more painful coming face-to-face with my pride. Most days felt as if my improvement was a pattern of taking three steps forward and two steps backward. Yet I would not trade the experience for anything.
After two months of only getting out of the recliner to use the restroom, I was directed to start the long road of regaining my strength through Physical Therapy. Simple tasks became daunting. I was experiencing a deep wrestling within my heart. Quite often I grappled with this question: will I ever be able to accomplish what I once could? Will I be able to be the sister I once was to my brothers? How long will this last? These questions begged for my attention. However, what I really needed to focus on was getting a new perspective.
In retrospect, I wish I could tell myself this: This moment too will past. You need to rest in peace knowing that the Lord’s plan cannot be thwarted by this unknown illness.
An Orthopedist, Neurologist, and Neuromuscular doctor worked together to try to identify a diagnosis for what was continuing to cause my calf muscles to tighten up so hard that it would injure the muscles in my lower legs. Unknown to me at the time, three years later I still do not have answers. I do my very best not to bring attention to it- and even dismiss it if I can- but I still have an undefined neuromuscular pain as well as occasional loss of feeling in my hands and feet due to the original incident. I am thankful for medication that helps me to be able to continue to go about most daily activities and doctors that are fervently trying to provide answers and relief. In the three years of praying for answers to be provided through eleven MRIs, multiple nerve conduction tests, blood work, and EEGs, I have been able to experience the comfort and nearness of my Savior in new depths. In the last few weeks (July of 2023) my doctors are hopeful to identify answers based off of recent MRIs. In the midst of these long years of waiting, I am comforted by Scriptures where David praises the Lord even in his heartache and trial, The Psalmist directly glories in his pain in Psalm 69:29-30 where David says, “But as for me, afflicted and in pain— may your salvation, God, protect me. I will praise God’s name in song and glorify him with thanksgiving.” Even pain can result in the Lord’s glory. What a promise to rest in.
There are some days that I have to do just as John Piper says and “Occasionally, weep deeply over the life you hoped would be, and grieve the losses. Then wash your face. Trust God. And embrace the life you have.”
If we try to hold every emotion that we feel instead of processing pain, we will grow numb and forget how to recognize pain in itself.
Over the last three years of embracing the unknown, the Lord has taught me countless lessons about His character, plan, and dependence upon His Word.
Five lessons that are near to my heart through this:
1. Your real friends will sit and listen to you grapple with the problem of pain without short circuiting your pain.
2. Learning to pray through pain will show you how weak you really are.
3. Becoming dependent on Christ should be a lifestyle, not a last resort.
4. Your identity is not in what you can do, but rather whose you are.
5. Sleepless nights should force you to discover what you are withholding from the Lord in prayer.
C.S .Lewis said in his book The Problem of Pain, “When pain is to be born, a little courage helps more than much knowledge, a little human sympathy more than much courage, and the least tincture of the love of God more than all.”
For those who have accepted Christ as Savior and Lord, we have this promise to cling to: That our Savior is the Father and God of all comfort. 2 Corinthians 1:3-8 says “Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ. If we are distressed, it is for your comfort and salvation; if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which produces in you patient endurance of the same sufferings we suffer. And our hope for you is firm, because we know that just as you share in our sufferings, so also you share in our comfort. We do not want you to be uninformed, brothers and sisters, about the troubles we experienced in the province of Asia. We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired of life itself.”
In conclusion, I share this so that the Lord might use it to bring you courage as you experience pain in this hard, dark world. You might have unanswered questions, unhopeful diagnosis, or You are not alone, dear friend. We are promised in Revelation 21:4 that for those who have accepted Christ as Savior, “He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”
So yes, in this world we experience pain. But, may our prayer continually be that we allow Christ to shine brightest in our weakest state. Within minutes my independence became dependence, and yet I had never been so satisfied.
My prayer is this, Lord, please help me not forget the compassion you have taught me through this valley. You have allowed my strength to fail so that I might realize the power of your mighty strength. I pray the Lord has allowed this to encourage you to process your pain, give it to Christ, be honest about your hurt, and continue living the life Christ has called you too.
Written By Kelby Grace Beeson on July 12, 2023.
Beautiful! Simply amazing! Excellent writing, Kelby :)